Spiritual Bypassing through Knowing and Unknowing
Mystical Bypassing — Seeing Transcendence While Blind to Shadow
Part Three: Finding Reality through Knowing and Not Knowing
There are many promises out there that this path or practice will allow you to live in a perpetual state of bliss while achieving all of your goals and becoming rich and thin in the process. However, the spiritual path is not always pretty, especially when it comes to our shadow.
We all have a shadow self. By “shadow,” I simply mean that which we cannot see. That which is in the dark because we have unconsciously hidden it from ourselves.
It is generally made up of the parts of ourselves we believe are unacceptable. It is not that they are really unacceptable. We just think they are — and bury them. I did that with being gay. I buried it so deeply that I only became fully aware of it at age 60. By then, it had already disrupted my physical life for 33 years by being married in a partnership that did not naturally fit for me or my partner. It damaged me internally by shutting off a vital part of my joy, spirituality, and life energy.
Carl Jung believed that we need to fully see and accept this dark side of ourselves to be a fully integrated human. He said, “Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
Dealing with our shadow can be shattering, tumultuous, and the most devastating experience we can go through in life. But once we emerge from the struggle, we can live a new life of spiritual vitality and awakening. It was only when I embraced my natural sexuality that my spirituality opened dramatically.
Shadows of Knowing and Unknowing
In this three-part series, we have been exploring three kinds of knowing —ordinary knowing, mystical, spiritual knowing, and the transcendent knowing of unknowing. Each of these forms of knowing has a shadow or limiting side to it. Even things like worldviews and spiritual practices have a shadow or limiting side.
Ordinary knowing is the everyday use of words, images, and concepts to identify objects and ideas that help us make sense of everyday life. Our educational system is based on this ordinary knowing. The shadow of ordinary knowing leaves out the mystical — the vast realm of information, transformation, and experience that is opened in spiritual knowing and unknowing.
Spiritual knowing is accessing our inner intuition and the “dreamlike” realm of subtle images, metaphors, and stories that allow deeper, mystical, spiritual meanings about life to emerge. One shadow of spiritual knowing is that we may avoid further Growing Up by thinking and feeling like we know all we need to know with absolute certainty because we have accessed our intuitive, mystical self. After all, “I have mystical, spiritual experiences and, therefore, I know more than you — and you don’t have anything to teach me.”
In spiritual knowing, we can also project our shadows onto others in community. This is especially dangerous because these are mystical knowings and the extra authority that carries can have a clobbering effect if we don’t hold it loosely. It’s crucial to remember we can be wrong in our spiritual knowing, just as we can in ordinary knowing.
Unknowing is the classical term for entering a state of consciousness that is a pure experience of transcendence beyond words, concepts, symbols, images, or ideas — hence, unknowing or not knowing in the ordinary sense of knowing. The shadow of unknowing is spiritual bypassing.
I explore spiritual bypassing with hesitancy
Many of us have struggles in life that often seem overwhelming. Sometimes the only relief that seems available to us is in meditation and prayer. I don’t want to question or take anything away that helps someone. My concern is the greater reality of waking up and growing up to a life and deep joy and fulfillment. This is only possible at a transforming level if, while taking refuge in spiritual practices, we also find healing in those practices that help us identify and embrace our shadow, robbing it of its power over us. Please keep this in mind as we explore together.
What is spiritual bypassing?
Spiritual bypassing is a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. The term was introduced in the mid-1980s by John Welwood, a Buddhist teacher and psychotherapist, to describe a process he saw happening in the Buddhist community he was in, and also in himself. He says,
“Although most of us were sincerely trying to work on ourselves, I noticed a widespread tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to try to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it. We may also use our notion of absolute truth to disparage or dismiss relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits. I see this as a basic hazard of the spiritual path.”
“Premature transcendence” is another term used to describe dwelling in unknowing without ever facing your shadow, pain, and trauma. This is where a person uses deep meditation and accessing the formless, causal realm as a way of not dealing with the problems of life and their own inner wounds. Those who suffer can find a kind of solace in the causal, formless realm of unknowing. That can be a relief and offer a chance to regroup.
If you face an intense situation in your life and you can’t resolve it right now, taking a break, putting your problem aside, and meditating (and, at times, doctor prescribed medication) can be a good thing. Early on, I told my congregation that prayer and Xanax helped me with my panic attacks. And sometimes it was Xanax first, then prayer! When you distract yourself from your struggles and do something else first, you interrupt your habitual mental patterns. Later, when you return to the problem, it might help you see the same situation with fresh eyes and in a new light.
Spiritual bypassing is a form of avoidance. Avoidance is neither good nor bad. Imagine you are a child and live in an abusive family, sometimes shutting off emotions that are too overwhelming for you to handle. Avoidance can be a good thing, helping you survive at the moment. Most people begin spiritual practices such as meditation to find relief from their sufferings. There’s nothing wrong with this. Meditation does help to interrupt unhealthy thought patterns and bring relief from stress.
However, if we want to grow up and wake up, we must engage our shadow side. Richard Rohr says, “Human consciousness does not emerge at any depth except through struggling with our shadow. It is in facing our conflicts, criticisms, and contradictions that we grow. It is in the struggle with our shadow self, with failure, or with wounding that we break into higher levels of consciousness. People who learn to expose, name, and still thrive inside the contradictions are prophets.”
With premature transcendence or spiritual bypassing, it’s difficult for us to truly experience growing up and waking up because we are weighed down by our unhealed psychological wounds. You might experience a spiritual high when you attend a spiritual retreat or workshop. But soon after you came back, the good feelings faded away quickly, and things could actually feel worse for you. That’s because you have returned to all the triggers and feelings that weren’t present at your retreat.
If you realize you have been spiritually bypassing, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Spiritual bypassing is so common because all of our minds are programmed to protect us from pain and seek pleasure. The mind doesn’t recognize that working through some of the pain can be more beneficial than avoiding and denying them. But denial, on the other hand, is a refusal to see or admit the truth.
In Owning your own Shadow, Robert Johnson says, “To refuse the dark side of one’s nature is to store up or accumulate the darkness; this is later expressed as a black mood, psychosomatic illness, or unconsciously inspired accidents. We are presently dealing with the accumulation of a whole society that has worshiped its light side and refused the dark, and this residue appears as war, economic chaos, strikes, and racial intolerance.”
Some Ways We Engage in Spiritual Bypassing
1. The Toxic Optimism bypass
This is the person who will not allow anything in but the positive, even if it is forced positivity. There are no disturbing realities in life for this person. All is light and love. Denial of pain and suffering can cause illness and body symptoms, and one never grows up in any real way. Toxic positivity is a real thing.
2. The “I’m Enlightened” bypass
This person considers themselves as having reached a high level of awakening and is beyond problems and difficulties. They may be a leader or “guru” and think they must maintain an impeccable reputation of being super enlightened. Yet, they have unembraced shadows which show up in unethical behavior, acting out, and a secret life.
3. The “I looked at my horoscope, and all is well” bypass
This person relies upon outside guidance and does not do the work of tapping into their own spiritual knowing. Listening to mature others can be a good practice, but our own inner guidance is necessary if we are to Grow Up.
4. The Spirit Guide bypass
“I have an angel who tells me what to do and will protect me.” Our spiritual guides, such as Jesus and Mary, are wonderful companions and guides. However, when we constantly lean on them without developing our own courage and resilience, we avoid growing up and taking responsibility for ourselves.
5. The “wise teacher” bypass
“I have this wonderful teacher that tells me everything I need to know.” As a teacher myself, I am an advocate of listening to the wisdom of teachers that fit for you. But don’t turn your life over to any teacher. You are the best interpreter of how any teaching works for you, including mine.
6. The Prayer Bypass
This one is tricky because while we can turn to and trust in God in an ultimate sense, God also expects us to do our part. When we use “I just trust God to solve all my problems” as a way to getting around acting in a responsible way, that is spiritual bypassing. Being in debt and trusting God to get you out of debt is usually a spiritual cop-out. Rather than babysitting us, maybe God wants us to take change of our spending! While praying can be a healthy practice, it can easily become a limiting shadow and destructive.
What to do
John Monbourquette, psychologist, author, and priest, writes, “Without deep and honest self-acceptance, the spiritual life rests on a dangerous psychological foundation and is nothing more than escape into a world of illusion. Humble self-knowledge is the most basic condition for any true spirituality.”
If you wonder if you are engaged in some level of spiritual bypassing, get in touch with your feelings and your body. Your feelings and body are brilliant and, with enough reflection, will introduce you to your shadow and repressed self. Often, to do this, we need a trusted someone or group to talk with openly. Sharing your concerns with a skilled friend or friends, spiritual director, or competent therapist can open you to a wonderful healing path. I was so emotionally repressed that I needed fifteen years, off and on, of skilled therapy because of my traumatic childhood. It was only then that I learned that I could fully rest in profound transcendence because I had done my inner healing work.
Of all the things a good meditation practice should do, perhaps one of the most important is that it can help us to become more aware of the pain in our lives. If your meditation practice contributes to spiritual bypassing, then you need to add a practice that helps you move out of denial. Some may need more than one kind of practice to create a vital blend that transcends the limit of any one practice.
For instance, if you only do Centering Prayer, you are susceptible to this. That is why Father Keating says we need more than one kind of practice. Specifically, he recommends personal prayer and conversation with Jesus.
ICN’s primary practice of Whole-Body Mystical Awakening offers a rich blend of practices that include the form of silent meditation that Centering Prayer uses when focusing on the head center. If you need more time there than what’s given in the recorded guided meditations or group practices of WBMA, follow your own guidance for as much time as you need in the vibrant stillness of the head center and beyond.
WBMA also includes an intimate, heartful relationship with the presence of God, Jesus, and other divine, spiritual presences. This center, along with the spiritual womb and feet-grounded body, can help to let repressed feelings emerge.